Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
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Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
look at me when i’m typing to you
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet