Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
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Education is vital
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
Just tried a “sorry this is my first day” to a customer’s question and he was like I saw you here two weeks ago!
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.