Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.

I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…

If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore

There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.

I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.

‘I want to see other families.’

~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving

:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”

Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind

*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.

“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”

“Sweet! We should hang out!”

– Ear buds

ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”

and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED

It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”

I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.

If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.

Cop: You been drinking?

Me: No.

Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.

Me: Alphabet the.

Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.

Me: Each letter.

My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.

News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.

Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*

Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?

People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.

BOSS: Can I see you in my office?

INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you

I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.

Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO

Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.

Win every argument by producing a cute puppy from your pocket every time your opponent agrees with you and putting it away sadly whenever they don’t.

My therapist always starts our session with “How are you?” and I always say “I’m good!” and then spend the next hour talking about how I am decidedly Not Good.

Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.

With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony

I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t

Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”

He didn’t even die.

Killing people with kindness is hard.

Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal