Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
About to throw up
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
dating apps never work for me because i need at least two years of friendship charged with weird sexual tension to even consider falling in love
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
The instructions say to place the burrito on one microwave safe plate and to put another microwave safe plate on top of it before heating. Were these instructions written by big dishwasher?
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
i still think about this 10yr old post a lot
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down
