Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
That contouring makeup doesn’t work on my belly.
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
Ghost costume 😂
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
My humor is broken
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
