Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
Two
Three
Four
Tell the people what she wore…
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
Got stuck in a long line at the store but at least I got to hear the guy behind me tell his friend all about his goats escaping and coming back pregnant
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
just detonated a tiny nuclear device at my buddy’s house as a prank. scientists say his rumpus room will be uninhabitable for 600 years
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
Looks at the shower
At least YOU get turned on when I’m naked
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
