Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.

I talk a lot of shit for someone who is startled by my own toast popping up while I’m watching it, every. single. time.

Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.

angel: where’d all the zebras go?

God: I put ’em in the desert

angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow

God: I know lol

My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.

Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?

DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?

ME: {seductively} One sec.

[2 minutes later]

ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.

I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..

Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.

I know this now.

*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*

[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]

[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]

me: do ya wanna…?

uber driver: no

It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.

Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway

Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.

I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”

If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.

During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded

ME: Ed is coming over

WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?

ED: Iran

ME: I’m not sure

Me: I’m on a diet.

Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.

Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.

DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman

Friends are people you don’t need to explain your jokes to, family are people you apologise to for your jokes.

this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*

I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.

Them: just trust your gut

Me: the one full of chocolate and coffee?

No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.

I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.

Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort

I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.

When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend

My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.