Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”

Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”

Don’t hate me because I can fall asleep within seconds; hate me because I can sleep through the night without having to get up to go to the bathroom.

Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.

Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.

You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.

The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic

Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.

Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*

Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:

1.
2.
3.
4.
5.

person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi

*first day of umpire school*

Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?

Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine

[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?

Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label

WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY

“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”

I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.

You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here

Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.

FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper

Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?

Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?

DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord

DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?

DV: fire!

[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]

Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.

My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.

Interviewer: So why do you want this job?

Me: I don’t. I want money.

Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.

It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it

Um, my eyes are up here.

-giraffes

Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.

I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!

Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again

“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.

sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big

Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?