genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
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Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.