GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
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Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
Me: It’s time to get ready for school.
Kid: UUUGGGGHHH NOOO WHYYYY?!?
Me: Dude, this shouldn’t come as a surprise. You’ve been doing this every day for 10 years now.
[6 hours later]
Kid: What are we having for dinner?
Me: UUUGGGGHHH NOOO WHYYYY?!
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
[God creating octopus]
Angel: We’re outta teeth. You gave too many to the sharks
God: Crap. What’s left?
A: ink & suction cups
G: Hmmm..
screw you
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
Sheep to the left of me. Cows to the right. Here I am. Stuck on a bus with a view.
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.