Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s trash talk, then there’s this.

You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?

7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.

[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.

I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.

I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.

If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.

Them: Why are you late?

Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.

I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them

“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”

Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?

Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”

My oldest bra can smoke now.

When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days

If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised

Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.

I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.

Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue

Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.

Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.

As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?

me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]

Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth

Cook: Those are ice cubes

Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?

If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.

*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all

*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few

“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”

People: My cell phone isn’t working today

Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.

People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?

Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.

The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.

You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating

We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace

Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.