Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.

Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.

Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.

Person: Are you on the conference call?

Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?

My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.

The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”

Doctor: Describe your headache.

Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.

Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure

Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.

multitasking lunch

The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.

Did you get that psychic damage I sent you

Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee

The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”

[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]

ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!

MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!

ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK

My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married

My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it

#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.

If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.

Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.

Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?

John Smith: …

It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.

I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.

Siri, fight Alexa.

Ah..makes sense now

Microsoft word: “I’ll do anything to enhance your writing and editing experience, just ask”

Me: “I’d like to add comments to footnotes”

Microsoft word: “eat shit!”

notice

who named him groot and not spruce lee