Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues

You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment

Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready

Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*

Model: Who the hell are you

Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?

Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.

Me: I’m a mature adult

Also me:

Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s

Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.

*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost

LADIES imagine this,

its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little

Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me

Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.

7-year-old: Yeah.

Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?

7: I come here to relax, not work.

Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.

*rides off into the sunset*

*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*

*rides off into the sunset*

definitely did not do anything wrong

I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”

Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card

“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”

*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*

me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online

uber driver: oh cool me too

fly splatting on windscreen: same

DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord

DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?

DV: fire!

[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]

Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.

Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”

At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…

Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009

I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.

Follow me for more parenting hacks.

I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.

Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats

Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.

I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.

Cop: Pull over

Me: you cold bro?

Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder