Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
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Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
Is Dutch some sort of clown language
The Backseat Boys
RT if you could go either way.
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
Get lost in the experience, not the park.
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?