Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine

I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate

If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.

As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying

I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.

She turned around and found out I was walking her home.

teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]

me: ok lol

[later]

me: hey what the f-

Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.

I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first

[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”

HER: Does your dog do any tricks?

ME: I taught him to lie on the bed

H: That’s not impressive lol

DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit

Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?

Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.

Me: What do you mean just pick something??

Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.

FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.

– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons

[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.

GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son

GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..

When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.

So glad we cleared that up

He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me

Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways

Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?

Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.

Nobody:

Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”

Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠

5-year-old: Why are we here?

Me: Philosophers still don’t know

5: No, why are we HERE

Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions

I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money

Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?

Me: She’s my current wife.

Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.

BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.

Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.

Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.

“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”

I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.

40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.

I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.