Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
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Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
The little toadstool has spoken.
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
You have been warned.
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson