Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
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Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
Nice try Hitler
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
The Others (2001)
Netflix and scream at our children?!
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
You can’t just say “Goddammit!” and expect Me to damn it. There’s a procedure. File the paperwork.
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.