Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.

Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.

Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’

Doggies just call it style.

The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.

I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies

on a walk around my neighborhood today i saw two houses across from each other with a “my neighbor is a karen” flag in their yard and i’m really interested if they hate each other or there’s a third neighbor who’s just a realllll b***h

FRIEND: let’s hang out

ME: *takes out my accordion*

ENEMY: I changed my mind

People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced

Some people are so fake there lock screens don’t recognise them

when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there

[Reviewing my 9-year-old’s Amazon wishlist for her birthday]

Me: I don’t understand what half this stuff is.

9: You don’t have to understand it. You just have to buy it.

I cannot definitively say, even after all I’ve seen, that I would not visit Jurassic Park

Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws

My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.

I got confused by all the yard signs, and I think I may have voted for a realtor.

her: are u excited for the next Star Wars

me: [sweating] did we win the last one

good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.

My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”

[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?

Son: How does this end?

Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland

Son: No this movie

Me: Shrek marries Fiona

Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!

[DATE]

ME: I’m a literature buff

HER: who do you read?

ME: read?

*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*

Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beet

Conclusion: Snickers is a salad

Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.

If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning

Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?

My cat:…

Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.

Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.

God: Done

Angel: you can’t be finished

God: I am

Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-

God: aaand send