Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions

Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.

My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything

My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing

You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.

I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.

Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.

Toothpaste: Hi

Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*

This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.

I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.

My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.

Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic

What?!?

TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger

Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.

FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.

I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.

His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”

[interview]

Any questions?

“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”

No about working here

“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”

[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt

One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.

I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.

Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂

FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?

TYLER: Shaving cream.

MARK: Shaving cream.

ME: Pay off his student loans.

[they all look at me]

ME: I mean shave him.

[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy

[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy

—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?

Me:

Criminal Tip:

Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.

As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.

Free gun.

Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”

With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?

They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.

If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.