Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
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[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
My boyfriend always complains that I never smile, but he’s the one who wanted a serious relationship.
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
This is so wrong 😂
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
I bet whenever a pilot drives a car there’s a brief moment of panic like “why isn’t it going up??”
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.