Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
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Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?
To get to the bottom!
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
pony: is this your card?
me: yes! cool trick!
pony: thanks
me: can you do any others?
pony: *sighs* no
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
customer: your darkest roast please
barista: it looks like helen keller tried to cut your hair with a knife and fork
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
Thanks to a fan for this one.
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls