Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
You Might Also Like
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
-No, there isn’t a town called ”Garbage” anywhere in England, stop looking at that map. I hate to break this to you, but when our neighbors called you ”King of garbage” that wasn’t a compliment
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
I know a bad idea when I see one.
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date