Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
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Qualifications for local sewer clown are pretty simple: dress the part, fit in a storm drain and be willing to work for screams.
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
Kids have been at camp for 10 days now – we’ve been so curious to hear ANYTHING about camp and finally one letter came last week – which opened with the heartfelt and powerful words of:
“had to write this letter to get a snack”
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
Who called it Alcatraz and not Jailhouse Rock
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.