Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
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7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
Really looking forward to the day my 14yo daughter starts speaking English again.
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
A customer told me they were never coming back….
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops