Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
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Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.