Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
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Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
me: I’m sorry, I just don’t have the mental energy to keep trying to fix you
dinner ingredients:
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
It’s been six months since my last haircut. It might be time to close my barbershop.
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?