GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
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doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
You guys know your secrets are safe with me. It’s the people I share them with you can’t trust.
still really wild that Starbucks built its brand on ~artisanal cozy vibes~ and now it feels like you’re in there to get a blood test
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille