GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
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Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
This 4th of July, please remember…
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”