@SamSkoronski

GENIE: You have three wishes.

ME: I wish I had a million dollars.

GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.

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@dafloydsta

Covering your ears and screaming “OH NO! IT’S THOSE VOICES AGAIN” is not appreciated by your coworkers.

Apparently.

@Adar79Angie

When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.

@banalplay

It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.

@USMCSDI

BREAKING NEWS:

Nigerian man dies and authorities find $27 billion dollars in his apartment

He had been trying to give it away for 15 years but nobody would return his emails

@aveuaskew

If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.

@sublyfe2015

My mom handed me her phone to find me on Twitter… So I deleted her account, uninstalled the app, and told her it went out of business.

@Tommytoughstuff

“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”

@jonnysun

hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER

@justabloodygame

Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.