Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?

THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure

“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.

I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye

It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale

Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating

I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.

No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.

My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.

The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.

you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.

I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.

I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.

This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am

Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.

My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!

I like the word amongst. That’s it.

Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.

Am I capable of premeditated murder?

Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.

My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.

There’s trash talk, then there’s this.

#titanic

My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.

I almost dropped my Walkman.

If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.

I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.

Me: Can I buy you a drink?

Girl: I’m an alcoholic

Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.

Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.

I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.

ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?

I’m the neighbor

Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.

Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.

Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary

Cop on other side: what is he doing

The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.