Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?

Me: You mean like water water or bath water?

People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!

That 👊

Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.

My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old

my haters are mad they’ll never catch me slippin because of my grippy socks

Hello Darkness my old friend.

Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.

[texting]

HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?

Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium

HG: ?

N: SeNd NeWDs

I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.

A remake of The Notebook called The iPad

*Meanwhile on a date*

Her: So what do you do?

Me: I’m a photographer.

Her: Wow, really?

Me: Yes. I picture us together.

*Slaps knee*

An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.

please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,

hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here

Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.

My laptop: *memory is low*
Me, in my 40’s: “you and me both, buddy”

Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.

“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.

The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war

an I working from home…. or living at work? 🤔🤔🤔

just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”

[Home Depot]

“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”

Clerk: Oh, with a little head?

“Nah, just verbally”

Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”

I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.

People reporting the royal family to the police for living suspiciously lavish lives without a job or any work to show for it is exactly what I needed to hear today!😂🤣😂😅🤣🙊🤭😂😂🤣😅🤣😂😅🥲🤣😂😅🤭🙊🥲🤣🤣😂👏👏👏👏

#Grifters
#AbolishTheMonarchy

Yeah I do yoga.

Ninja Yoga.

I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.

That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.

The year 2035.

Razors now have 47 blades.

Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.

Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.

Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning

Sunday morning: wow I’m right here

[Breakfast]

My Wife: What are you doing?

Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.