Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”

I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.

I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.

My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick

I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture

When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.

Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.

The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.

I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”

Life hack:

Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.

[haunted house]

FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes

The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.

Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.

All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.

Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel

Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger

This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.

Just crossed the border into Germany and the border police asked “Where did you come from? Where did you go?”

AND YOU HAVE NO IDEA OF MY SELF-RESTRAINT 🤣

Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.

#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.

4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*

ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*

FRIEND: Is that… pudding?

Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.

Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?

Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning

I stopped my pig from eating a penny.

I don’t know why.

I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.

[church fundraiser]

me: *takes out a $100*

priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child

me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?

GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!

Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.

Seriously, soup?

If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.

Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you