Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wedlock even sounds like a threat.

He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.

She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.

She just gave you her stomach virus.

“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”

– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered

The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.

I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?

Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?

I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.

With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.

Netflix My bladder

🤝

Streaming on demand

Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.

[police chasing man on foot]

Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!

Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.

Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.

Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?

Teenage me: definitely.

30s me: Wait, what

when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death

GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?

MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…

GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?

If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.

Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option

When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.

If chickens knew how good they tasted they would understand.

I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.

My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.

The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.

You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?

Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.

marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other

reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”

Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.

[first day on bomb squad]

blue red yada yada yada i get the gist

A woman at the grocery store, who upon seeing my daughter’s blue eyes asked where she got them from, looked at both me and my husband, and then actually said out loud “did the milk man visit your mom?” What the actual fuck lady.

wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair