Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.

Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.

Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!

It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”

I like to take long walks away from stupid people.

[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]

Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.

I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s

I buy blocks of cheese.

For the grater good.

I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.

Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”

Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”

The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.

The news: Kidnapping, war, starvation, mass murder.
Me: There’s nothing worse than having a hangnail.

Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room

Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.

Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.

My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.

John Krasinski is People’s Sexiest Man Alive for 2024.

“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”

-my cat

dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall

some random cat:

Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).

If Brussels sprouts can be bitter and celebrated, so can I.

The year 2035.

Razors now have 47 blades.

Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.

Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.

Remember to think of others this holiday season!

Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”

Staff member: “Bonus!”

Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”

No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.

I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”

Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.

I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.

Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not

GOD: I call those trees and plants

ANGEL: very beautiful

GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them

ANGEL: dude who hurt you

{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.