Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.

yes yes a thousand times yes!

They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’

I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.

If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.

Carry on floating head selfie chick.

Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*

Her: When did you get a belly ring?

Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop

Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!

Eating microwaved leftovers.

Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog

He’s a ladies man

new shirt idea

“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*

[me as a GPS]

Wife: I’m heading to work.

6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.

That’s not ominous at all.

In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.

Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.

Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.

Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.

According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.

SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?

GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks

“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.

“Same place you do,” she said.

“No, seriously-”

“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”

If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.

My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.

I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.

a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing

“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.

My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.

Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29

Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.

Unless your wife finds out.

[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now

Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious

Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.

There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few

The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.