Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works

*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”

Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?

Me: I’m sorry, move what?

Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?

The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror

Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet

In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.

I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.

Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.

Lesson learned

Them: how old are you

Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.

Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog

On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”

I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?

i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?

awesome draft from months ago i just found

nobody: …

my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.

I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.

The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.

*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes

Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho

What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?

An acquaintance

Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.

Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.

*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*

NASA has no chill

PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.

That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.

Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.

Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.

Jan 3rd: World War III announced.

“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”

That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name

“Donkey”

I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle