genie: you have three wishes

me: make firemen ugly

genie: you got it

me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well

genie: ok

me: take the big ladder off their truck

genie: dude what’s your problem

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[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!


If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.


“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”

-my cat


Her: omg, I’m SO happy for you!
*shaking head*
No, no, no… I said I got ‘enraged’, today. Not ‘engaged’.


Our Mexican neighbor made us dinner and it tastes like I committed a grave error in marrying a white girl.


Me: ugh I have to wear a tie today, adulting sucks.
Grandpa: I had to fight in World War II when I was 19.
Me: I guess you kind of get it.


My husband is so not into sex. When I wear fishnet stockings he thinks I want to go fishing.


Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie

*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*