genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
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A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
British people be like I’m Bri ish
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.