Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…

I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown

Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.

With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line

I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.

My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.

Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers

this one has claws

This one swims but can’t fly

This one is huge & runs funny

This one bangs his head against trees

– god making birds

wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us

As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.

*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”

[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager

*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday

I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now

Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store

My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?

My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.

*gets laser eye surgery*

“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”

I told you, that’s not what—

*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*

Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?

Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT

Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…

with flying colors…

I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.

i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.

Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.

I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.

If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.

*Follows dreams

*Ends up at refrigerator.

Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.

{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…

*I run to check on the donuts

*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”

My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.

So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.

Tik Tok.

my friends when i can’t do basic math

Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food