Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?

BECOME UNGOVERNABLE

SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!

HERO: Ok

SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?

HERO: I’m in

SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.

HERO: My therapist said to try new things

SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward

HERO: I’ll get my stuff

My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.

i think we should see other cousins

Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.

me: the earth isn’t flat

fiat earther: correct

me: huh?

fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car

me: what?

fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?

“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”

We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji

My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.

Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.

Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?

Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes

Him: Yes but without peas

Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes

“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”

“No.”

“Why not, sir?”

“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”

an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet

Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.

Me: what word would you use?

Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before

I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.

Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.

Friend: Do you know karate?

Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.

You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person

COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife

You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.

An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE

The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.

And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”

GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here

Him: You smell nice. What is that?

Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops

Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?

Wanted:

Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.

No weirdos.

If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.