Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]

other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF

I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other

My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.

Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.

wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed

Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.

Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.

The accuracy #BlowsMyMind

Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic

Worm: wait we’re eating what

My eggs wouldn’t ring up at the store and the cashier (an older Black man) said “it’s your lucky day!” And put them in my bag for free because “I ain’t calling that manager over here cuz I don’t like him. I’m old enough to be his father and I ain’t going back and forth with him”

One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.

October already? What’s next? November????

I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.

Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?

Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week

Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday

[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?

me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no

for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english

here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”

…i mean VERY BAD TRIP

Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.

2….

That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know

How are you?

“Yeah, not bad” <– normal person

“Yeah, pretty good actually” <– show off

My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-

She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok

*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*

He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe

What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy

What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light

A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.

Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:

Me: pick your poison….

Him: a margarita would be nice…

Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad

I was working in the yard.

Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.

I hit it with a shovel.

I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead

Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.

I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes

And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.

My mood ring just jumped into the trash compactor.

My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.