Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.

me: i’ve committed adultery. i’ve been doing a lot of adulting.

therapist: no.

Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?

Me: I LOVE STAR WARS

BF: which was your fav

Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone

apart from It’s ok
what other death threats
do women use?

My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE

Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?

me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway

All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.

Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death

Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this

I know a horrible idea when I see it.

Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen

Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.

HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.

Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off

“Traaains”

– traveling zombies

I’m not embarrassed.

I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.

(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)

When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.

Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.

My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!

*hyperventilates*

*vomits*

Me: It’s for the dog.

8: Oh. Can I have a snack?

Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse

The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude

That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.

Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.

When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.

I know that now.

So Hamburger help me, God

As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else

Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.

[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]

Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.

*crowd gasps

Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.

My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.

me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment

boyfriend:

not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos

next time i open up to someone is during surgery