Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.

If you find what your other half shows you on their phone funny and they find what you show them on your phone funny, it’s an indication that you’re not married.

[friend being eaten by a bear]

*screaming violently*

Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!

Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.

Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?

*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*

Me: I’m cutting back on wine!

Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .

Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.

Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.

Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.

Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives

I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so

Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.

Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?

Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?

Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.

I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…

dad: i’ve got something special for you.

kid me: wow what is it?

dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-

kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.

Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.

Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway

Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.

I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily

But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special

Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that

My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.

Ask me how I know.

PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face

COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect

ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.

CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?

[at Super Bowl party]

Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK

Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow

Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON

Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.

Mobster: we need to set up a shell company

Lobster: let me handle this, boss

Camping in the mountains is fun. You just have to have a good sleeping bag, a tent that will hold the contents of a small kitchen, good hiking boots, and potable food/water. Oh, and be faster than whoever you’re hiking with in the event of a bear sighting.

If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.

My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”

I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.