Genie: you have three wishes

Me: ok i wish “three” meant 1000

Genie: it’s done. you have two wishes left

Me: wait i wish “two” meant 1000

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“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”


“All I want for Christmas is you.”



I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.


Camping and I have a lot in common. For starters, we are both stupid.


If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.


I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.


[christmas morning]

ME: I have no gifts to bring

EVERYONE: booooo

ME: …pa rum pum pum pum

EVERYONE: yayyyyyy


I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.


So far my favorite villain in the Superman/Batman movie is the casting director.


Leave everyone stranded at a bank robbery to play laser tag when you’re the get away driver and suddenly no one is your friend anymore


It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.