@rudy_mustang

Genie: you have three wishes

Me: ok i wish “three” meant 1000

Genie: it’s done. you have two wishes left

Me: wait i wish “two” meant 1000

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@sacha_is_good

“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”

Later…

“All I want for Christmas is you.”

EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.

@KaylaAncrum

I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.

@tweetsvisual

Camping and I have a lot in common. For starters, we are both stupid.

@slimmy_shady

If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.

@rickkondell

I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.

@markedly

[christmas morning]

ME: I have no gifts to bring

EVERYONE: booooo

ME: …pa rum pum pum pum

EVERYONE: yayyyyyy

@galiamango

I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.

@SteveAmiri

So far my favorite villain in the Superman/Batman movie is the casting director.

@Sean_Burgundy_

Leave everyone stranded at a bank robbery to play laser tag when you’re the get away driver and suddenly no one is your friend anymore

@man_spach

It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.