“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: ok i wish “three” meant 1000
Genie: it’s done. you have two wishes left
Me: wait i wish “two” meant 1000
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I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
Camping and I have a lot in common. For starters, we are both stupid.
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
ME: I have no gifts to bring
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
So far my favorite villain in the Superman/Batman movie is the casting director.
Leave everyone stranded at a bank robbery to play laser tag when you’re the get away driver and suddenly no one is your friend anymore
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.