Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.

Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.

Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.

Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.

every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong

Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu

Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*

January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday

Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.

Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”

Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?

19: I don’t want to tell you.

Me: Was it porn?

19: It’s worse.

Me: What was it?

19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2

😆😆😆

I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.

Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.

Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications

Me: *nodding* a curator

My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.

Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???

Wife: We’re going to have a baby!

Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?

Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human

I was introduced to a baby recently by her parents; the mother told me “she doesn’t do anything, or know anything”

Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.

Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.

Hour 43 no smoking:

-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.

People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT

If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it

Strange things: the prequel

Stranger things

2 Stranger 2 Things

Strangest Threengs

Strangfour th4ngs

5tranger Thing5

Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift

“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys

If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.

I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.

If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.

A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay

Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?

obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???

yoda: raise his son to murder him we could