Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HULK WANT LOAN

Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.

GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*

Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.

I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.

They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?

*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?

I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.

I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.

No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.

if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”

[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?

when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?

My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office

How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom

[blind date]

HER: I love sports!

ME: Uh…me too

HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass

ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth

Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]

Saw an Italian nativity scene:

• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys

What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?

“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER

There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot

12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.

Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.

you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is

How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?

CATHOLICS: 18

[on a stakeout]

COP: did you bring your walkie talkie

ME: no but I do have a runny nosey

Ryan Reynolds is my cousin

~ me flirting

~ also me lying

beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics

ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!

BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.

If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”

The new Ring movie looks terrifying

Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!

How to lose weight:

1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall

All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.