Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?

Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.

Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.

BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*

AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*

What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.

You wear a jacket when you’re cold.

You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.

#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes

You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle

For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.

Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.

Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.

Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over

Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.

Drivers in my town ignore crosswalks. If they had shot the Abbey Road album cover in my town, there would’ve been one or two fewer Beatles.

Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.

If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.

What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.

If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally

Are you dating a bunch of bees?

the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.

Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.

“YOLF!”

– immortals, probably

Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄

I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!

Me, homeschooling:

If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?

Walked by a coworkers computer and he was just looking at a picture of a hotdog

taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake

me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what

*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*

doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink

Did you dream of me, baby?

-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?

No, silly.

-Then no.

waiter: what would you like?

me: maybe the steak

waiter: and what about the duck?

duck: I’ll have the steak too