Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.

A pyramid scheme collapsing is condescending.

Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.

My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow

Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…

Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.

Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?

Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games

Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.

In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.

Her: WHAT?!

Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?

health insurance agent: and do you smoke?

me: *winking* only after sex

hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke

My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”

God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?

Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad

This could’ve been an email.

My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.

No Linda. You didn’t train your cat to stay off the counters. You trained your cat to stay off the counters when you’re around

My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle

What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.

*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin

Me: *calls* How are my kids?

Grandma: We’re having so much fun

Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-

Grandma: Come get your kids.

WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.

At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.

A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.

10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”

Husband:

Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”

If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.

Note to Self:

‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’