genies are a myth perpetuated by creepy lamps who just want to get rubbed more
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Airport police say that the number of people smuggling helium balloons in their luggage is under control.
But cases continue to rise.
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*