genies are a myth perpetuated by creepy lamps who just want to get rubbed more
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Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.