Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date

[train station]

Man: hey you.

Woman: Hi.

M: i’m Christian.

W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks away

M: ugh. i hate my name.

At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.

I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.

You should be able to google why a couple broke up

I want my tombstone to read:

Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping

Working with older people is annoying sometimes. Sir, your lunch at my age was Gin. Why you hassling me about adding salad dressing?!

A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.

Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”

May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”

Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*

M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.

He’s dead now

I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”

getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys

every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know

*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*

Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.

“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere

I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.

*From me

I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦

You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?

Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.

Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.

stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses

Camel dough

oh you like road-trips? name every road then

How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy

[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock

There’s always that one guy

If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?

One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.