genies are a myth perpetuated by creepy lamps who just want to get rubbed more
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I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
my 15 yo doesn’t understand why he gets diarrhea after he eats only Pepperoni sandwiches, ramen noodles and 37 pizza bagels every day. It’s a real damn mystery.
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
Of course I look tired, it’s hard pretending to be awake.
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots