genius
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Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
My husband made me mad so I sent him to a store that closed a year ago to buy something they stopped making two years ago
As a 14 yr old in the 80s updates about emergency school closures were phoned in to the local radio stations. There was no verification on your identity and the notice was read out in good faith. So staff & pupils can thank me for the extra snow day off in 1980. You’re welcome.
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
I can fix him.
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
Which wines pair best with gloating?
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
Fixed this for Shakespeare
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard