genius
You Might Also Like
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
that de-escalated quickly
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
Mistook a bottle of bleach for my cat and I’m starting to worry that during all those years I spent volunteering at an animal shelter I was actually just wandering around a Walmart.
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
An escape room, but it’s just your high school reunion.
there’s probably a fee though
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.