Genius idea!!
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my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
If my trainee says “on God” one more time, he’s going to meet him
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know
if there is a particular food you would like your children to eat less, just go buy a massive box of it at Costco
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
