Genius idea!!
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It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
My husband pissed me off again, so I put Miracle Gro in his weed killer.
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
Trying to imagine being the first swimming pool designer to hear a client say “Yes. Like a kidney. Exactly.”
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
I’ve had so much tea trying to get rid of this cold that I’m now speaking with a British accent and am fascinated with the Royal family.
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.