Genius.
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I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
me: what drink ya got there?
11: a smoothie I made
me: oh. What’s in it??
11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.
me: and you won’t eat a tomato.
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
Why aren’t auto body shops called…
“Fender Bender Menders??.”
And they should be paid in Fender Bender Mender Tender.
And when you pay that, you’re a Fender Bender Mender Tender Spender
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.