Genius.
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I want to meet the individual who made this
I saw a lady run for the train today and I had to suppress my Olympic viewing tendency to cheer for her.
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
I listen to a lot of white noise, so I get really excited when it rains or someone turns on a fan. It’s like seeing my favourite band live.
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
Your honor my client doesn’t like jail
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”