Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
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Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
don’t suffer in silence. make it everyone’s problem.
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.