Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
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[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
Men: Masters of multitasking – can watch sports, ignore laundry, and forget your birthday, all at once.
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
What does a Thesaurus eat for breakfast?
A synonym roll.
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
If you send a “u up” text late enough, it becomes a sweet “good morning” text
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
Eight minutes into dinner date and I’m out of knock knock jokes.
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
Searching for people who think “cologne” is spelled “colony”, is my favourite thing to do
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare