Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
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They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
Single and childfree like Jesus
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
Netflix should’ve just maybe mailed us all this fight on DVD
She’s got style
She’s got grace
She dropped her cellphone on her face
She’s a lady
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.