Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???

I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.

Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”

My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this

So, this morning I went into the garage and noticed the attic was wide open. We don’t use it and it’s a heavy panel, so I was freaked out already but trying to play it cool for my kid.

But tell me why my 5yo stared straight into the darkness and said “a man lives there.”

“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”

*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*

Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?

Date:

Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her

Friends are people you don’t need to explain your jokes to, family are people you apologise to for your jokes.

Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.

Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.

“Honey the baby is crowning!”

*Lifts up hospital gown*

“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”

her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*

me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*

[job interview]

BOSS: Describe yourself

ME: Can’t you see me?

You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge

Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.

Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”

I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.

[lights 2016 calendar on fire]

There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.

[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]

I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.

Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?

Librarian : They’re right behind you.

Friend: ow I just cut my finger

Me: ouch

Friend: can u put a bandaid on it

Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp

guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp

Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO

My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.

Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am

In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”

met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏

Parent’s curfew with each child:

1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”

I’m not mad ur mad

Kids: We’re hungry!

Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.

The thing:

I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation