Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
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If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
#ProTip
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
“You don’t like my cooking? You’ll be hearing from my lawyer!” – Sue Chef
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first