Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
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Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
I don’t have a yoga mat, but I have a Twister mat, and it’s the same thing.
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
“i am a sweet baby”
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.