Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
You Might Also Like
‘m developing a new fragrance for introverts
It’s called “Leave me the fuh cologne”
Your windows aren’t that tinted that I can’t still see you picking your nose.
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged