Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
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Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
My mom texted me to say “we called a guy to help us with passions in the basement.”
It took me forever to figure out she meant type “possums.” Thanks for the lovely mental picture, autocorrect.
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
Hey, if we have the same make and model car & you park right next to me at the store, don’t look so surprised when I get in your car by mistake, dude.
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
I love how pulling weeds is super fun in May and by August it’s like, I bet a flamethrower would pay for itself in like two years.
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods