Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
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When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
Spelling is important because I finally received my Male order bride, Brian.
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
Waking up to America feels like when you accidentally skip a cut scene and have to figure out why the level is suddenly even more on fire.
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
I failed as a person; I’m a dinosaur now.