Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
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Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
I just can’t think what this suitcase is the best thing since?
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.