Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
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We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
If it hurts you more than it hurts them then you are holding the taser wrong
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
My neighbors kid has been outside banging on a bucket for over an hour while their dog barks at him ….. I would throw a rock but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
Kudos to the person who invented denim pants.
They were a jeanious.
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers