Gentle reminder to take a brief moment to close your eyes, take a deep belly breath, and gently stroke your chin to find all the prickly whiskers you missed last time you plucked.
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When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
And bowling should be called pinball
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
I wish I loved anything as much as people love to say they are “thrilled” on Linkedin. Dial it back people, no one in the history of the workforce has ever been thrilled about anything.
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police