Gentle reminder to take a brief moment to close your eyes, take a deep belly breath, and gently stroke your chin to find all the prickly whiskers you missed last time you plucked.
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Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
How about a scale that will sense when you’re about to eat something you shouldn’t and then yells at you from the bathroom.
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
Sometimes I read the stupidest shit in here then realize I wrote it
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.