Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig

My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.

When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.

Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?

I just did.

Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦‍♂️😂

If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine. Also, I’ll tell my mom

I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday

[Christmas]

ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?

HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?

ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.

Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.

Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?

Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones

It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.

When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.

What base is it when he watches you fall off your barstool with a mouthful of loaded fries?

We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.

Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels

maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt

“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”

The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.

My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣

When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up

I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers

I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.

I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.

Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.

Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.

And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.

I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum

WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here

[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down

I see a guy with a sharktooth necklace.

Me: Holy shit! That’s the sharpest part of the shark. Who is this mysterious and brave hunk?

I may be a middle aged suburban male but I still enjoy going out*, picking up hot chicks** & bringing them home.

*to Costco
** rotisserie chickens

[first day as a hairdresser]

customer: can you take off a foot?

me: *sharpening axe* no problem

Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones