gentlemen, hear me out
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A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
Somewhere in an alternate universe
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
Watching Home Alone with my 8 year old twins.
One of them is cackling like a hyena every time a paint can smashes the face of the would be burglars.
The other is sitting with a concerned look on his face saying things like “well that doesn’t seem safe”
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone