gentlemen, hear me out
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presenting your incognito window wrapped
My son asked my wife why I make noises every time I stand up.
She told him it’s because I’m a groan man.
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
i dont want to consume AI art for the same reason i dont call up my boys every sunday to watch a conveyor belt quickly and efficiently deliver a football to an endzone
welcome back
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
No, YOUR illiterate.
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*