gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
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Friday the 13th used to mean something. Now every day is awful.
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
Not being able to eat before blood work is so stupid. Yes I’m aware my funyon levels have spiked am I dying or not?
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
“wow i haven’t had anything to eat today” – me right before i remember that i had the lumberjack special for breakfast and placed a respectable 2nd in a spontaneous yet nationally recognized ribs eating contest
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
“No it’s OK, take your fucking photo first”
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
Dog people like dogs
Cat people like cats
Lizard people are lizards
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.