[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
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“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
the composer
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.